November 2013
Here we go again!! Today we received our medication for our second IVF treatment. We are so excited to start again. I am nervous on what this outcome will bring but we feel good about it. We have changed our lifestyle health wise and we have done all we can do on our end to make sure we are as healthy as possible to move forward. I just want it all done and over with. Whether that means that we get a beautiful baby in the end or we have another let down, I just want it to be over with. I think the not knowing what is going to happen is the hardest part for me. I feel that this cycle will determine a lot and we will be able to make a decision on what to do next if it does not work. We start the meds on November 11, 2013. Stay posted for updates. :)
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| Here we go again!! |
11/15/13 - Okay, so this morning Jake was giving me my shot. They were going so good. So good in fact that I didn't even feel the one he gave me yesterday. I was all prepared for this one to go smoothly when WAM, Jake stuck it in me and it felt like I was being speared. It sent shock waves throughout my whole body. He must have hit a nerve or something cause I started screaming. He just looked at me let go of the needle, which is still stuck in my belly, and said what?? I said don't let go of it just hurry and inject it and get it out. He did. Afterwards it was kind of funny, but it did hurt a lot!!
11/22/13 - Today was my first Dr appointment after I started the meds. It was just a blood draw and baseline ultrasound to make sure I was ready to go. We also had to turn in our consent form. Jake also had his little guys tested again. Everything looked great and my levels were right where they needed to be. Jake's guys was better than last time as well! Hopefully that's a good sign! :)
11/27/13 - I had another Dr appointment today. Again it was to check the levels of meds in my system. The Dr's office always says that if they don't contact you, then no news is good news. They didn't contact me so everything must be going good! :) The shots are getting old already. I started taking three a day on the 25th, so I have had nine shots in three days, not counting the blood draw poke today! Ahhh, this part I don't like so much!
11/30/13 - Another blood draw! Everything is looking good though. I can't wait to be finished with the meds. It's getting close!
12/3/13 - Another Dr. Appointment today. Ultrasound and blood draw! My follicles are almost ready! They were going to let the Dr. look at them before giving me instruction on what to do but I might have to do the trigger shot tonight or tomorrow! That's two days before planned! If I do take the trigger shot tonight I only have one more shot. Wahoo! If I have to take meds tomorrow then I only have four more shots! I can't believe I made it. I feel like my ovaries are going to pop any day, but I did it. Once again! I was able to talk myself through the nasty shots. Now I just hope it's worth it! I'm getting excited, however I do still have a surgery to get through before I'm completely rid of pokes for a couple days, but it will all be worth it! I just know it will!
Tonight the Dr. called me and said that I'm ready to go. She instructed me to take my HCG trigger shot tonight at 7:00 p.m. no later no earlier. It was 6:30 p.m. when she called so I'm so glad I was home! She told be that the morning after I take the trigger shot I need to take an HCG test to make sure it shows positive, then call in with the results. If everything goes good then we will do the transfer on Thursday December 5, 2013.
We did the HCG trigger shot. It was my last shot! Hallelujah!!! I can't believe I made it through once again. Now to just wait for the morning to do the test...
12/4/2013 - This morning I took the test and it was positive! A positive pregnancy test and I'm not even pregnant yet. LOL. I thought it was funny anyway. I called the Dr. and let them know my results.
Now all I have to do is wait until the anesthesiologist calls to schedule my appointment for my egg retrieval tomorrow.
The anesthesiologist called and I have to be to the Dr. at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow! That means we have to leave our house at 5:45 a.m. That's going to be hard! No eating after midnight. No makeup, perfumes, contacts, etc. Now to get some rest for tomorrow.
12/5/2013 - We arrived at the Dr. at 6:30 a.m. They got to the office about 6:45 a.m. When we went in the anesthesiologist called me back. As I laid down I started to tell her about my past experience. I told her that I really did not want to be poked six times like last time. She put a heat pad on my veins to see if she could get them to poke out. I was really nervous because the last time was so bad. She decided to go for the veins in my hands. She first numbed it. It hurt a little but not to bad. Then she stuck the IV in. I honestly didn't really even feel it. She then started hooking up the tubes. She said, well we got it. She was able to do it the first time! I was so happy! My Dr. then came in and told me to have a nice little nap and they will take good care of me. Then the next thing I new I was waking up and the anesthesiologist was taking off everything. It went so smoothly. I was then put in a recovery room to hang out for a bit. Jake came in to wait with me. A nurse came in to give me instruction for some meds I have to start taking now that the retrieval was completed. A little later our Dr. came in and told me that they were able to get 24 eggs. That's really good! Our Dr. said that she would like to tell us that was great, however because of what happened last time she said that we will just take it step by step. She said that things were looking good though because last time they believe they think they may have over stimulated me, so this time they did not stimulate me so much and I still created as many as I did last time. They are supposed to call me tomorrow to let me know many eggs fertilized and how many embryos we get. I'm nervous but excited to know. They will then call me Sunday to give me another report and I will go in Tuesday afternoon to have the transfer. Then it's the 10 day dreaded wait. I am feeling good today, a little sore, but that's to be expected. I will keep you posted on any new news. :)
12/6/2013 - I received a call from the embryologist today and she said that 7 of the 24 eggs they retrieved were not mature meaning that we had 17 to work with. 12 of the 17 fertilized. So as of today we have 12 embryos. That is a pretty good number! They said they would wait until day 3 to look at them again and call me with update, but they anticipate 90% making it to a 3 day transfer. If I have enough that make it to a 3 day transfer they want to wait for a 5 day transfer. Even though that means I might end up with less embryos on day 5, the embryos that do make it to a day 5 are usually the healthier embryos that would make it full term, so it kind of weeds out guessing which ones are good and which ones are not, so they are hoping that we get at least 6 five day blastocysts. Crossing our fingers!!
12/8/2013 - Today our Dr. called to give us our three day update. All 12 of the embryos have split, which is good news, however the embryos should have 6 - 8 cells by day three. Only 3 embryos were at a 7, and a few were at a 6, the rest were all less, so a good chunk of our embryos are behind. This does not mean that they won't continue to grow, but they would like to see them progress more than they have. I was kind of bummed with the news. I thought it was all going pretty good, but now I'm second guessing it all. I just have to try to stay positive and know that we still have embryos that are where they are supposed to be. We may not get as many as hoped, but it only takes one to get a healthy baby so that's what I'm trying to focus on now! Transfer day will be on 12/10/13 and we will know exactly what we have when we go in for the transfer. Our plan is to transfer two because of my history. This of course may change depending on what we find out when we get there. I'm so ready to get the transfer done so the clock can start ticking. I'm a little tired of the unknown! Hopefully soon we can announce a pregnancy! 10 days from the 10th we should know.
12/10/2013 - Today we woke expecting a transfer. I went to work for a half day, because the transfer was scheduled for 1:30 p.m. We have to be there at 1:00 p.m. Jake came to pick me up at 12:30 p.m. When we arrived at the Dr. they were having a meeting. Finally someone came out to greet us. I let them know we were here for our transfer and asked if I needed to take a Valume (they give you valume a half hour before to relax your muscles for the transfer). The front desk clerk told me that they would be out shortly to bring that to me. After a while our Dr. came out and called our name. They never did bring me a valume so I was a little worried. She took us back to her office. I was wondering why the heck we were going to her office and not the transfer room. We sat down and she began to tell us that all our embryos died. We didn't have any embryos to transfer. We just kind of looked at her. I didn't really even know what to say. Our embryos were so perfect the last time, how could all of them die? I started to cry, then I looked at Jake. He also started to cry. This whole procedure just thrown down the drain in a matter of seconds. Our Dr. told us that she didn't really have an explanation and wanted to talk to the other Dr.'s to see if they seen anything she didn't. She then wanted us to come back to talk to her. We scheduled an appointment for Friday December 13.
12/12/2013 - The last couple days have been hard. Not as hard as it was in the beginning. It's bad to say, but I guess maybe we are getting used to the constant disappointment. The hardest part for me is accepting I just might not be able to have our own children. We have discussed the other options. Adoption, embryo adoption, donor egg, etc. I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to believe this is all true. I just want to wake up and forget it all. The day our Dr. told us the news, I was a trooper. I was strong and taking it really well. The next morning I was a mess. I don't know if it was because I thought I would wake up and everything would fine and it wasn't or what, but I was a mess. I think that's when it all settled in. I hate every single bit of all of this! I hate the not knowing. I don't want to accept that I won't ever get to have my own children. It's not fair and I don't know why we have to keep going through this! We have struggled long enough. We shouldn't have to talk about if we are okay with an egg donor. We should just be able to have our own children and not have to worry about if we did have an egg donor if our child would resent me as a mom because I am not her real mom. We shouldn't have to worry about if we adopt a child when is the right time to tell them they are adopted. It's just something we shouldn't have to deal with, and I don't know why we were picked to go through this. I am not strong enough to handle this anymore!
12/13/2013 - We were supposed to be at the Dr. at 11:00 a.m. this morning, but they called and had to change our appointment to 1:00 p.m. At 1:00 we went to the Dr. A nurse came out to get us and took us to our Dr's office. We sat down expecting her to tell us that my eggs were bad and we needed to look at other options. Instead she said that she had talked to the other Dr's and one of the Dr's said that this round was a complete fluke. She said there is no way that I could have had that beautiful of embryos the first time and this time have no embryos make it. She said the other Dr and her feel like there was an issue with the eggs and that they didn't make it to the quality they wanted. Basically she told us she didn't have any idea what was going on. She talked about our options and strongly encouraged us to do one more round to see what the embryos do. She said that they need a tie breaker to determine what to do next. She said she don't feel comfortable telling us to think about other options because she still feels that we have a shot at getting a baby, our own baby! She feels that by doing one more round that will give them a good idea of what is going on and she will be able to get an answer for us. We can then decide if my eggs are the issue or if it's something else. As you can imagine we were confused. We go in expecting to talk about other options and get told not to give up. It was exciting to hear the news, but the more I think about it the more I wonder if I want to do this all again.
12/17/2013 - The last couple days I have thought a lot! It seems like all I do is think about this. We have talked about it a lot too. Jake would like to try one more time. I would too, but I don't want to go through this all over again. I'm not very positive about it anymore and I'm struggling to keep my head high. I kind of feel like I already convinced myself that it was over, so maybe we should just go with it and try other options. I don't want to get my hopes up again just to be pushed to the ground. I don't want to have to go through all the shots again. There is just so much that I don't want to do, but yet I don't want to accept the fact that I won't ever have my own child either. What do you? I called LDS family services about adoption today. I wanted to get information from them. It sounds like a long stressful process. She told me she could send me some information on other adoption agencies but they cost so much more. More than what we have now. We have already spent so much money! There is no way we can get the money that the adoption agencies need. We have discussed other options and I just don't know what is right for us. How do you decide something like this? The lady I spoke to at LDS family services told me to just tell everyone we know that we are looking to adopt. She said more times than none it works. Somebody knows somebody! Is this our answer? Do we adopt and stop trying on our own? Do we try to find an egg donor? I have no idea! What if some child needs us as their mom and dad and we just have to find them? How do you make such a life impacting decision like this when you have no answers and you are so lost with what you have been through? How do you tell everyone you don't know if you want to do all this again when everyone is counting on you so much to try just one more time? How many one more times should we give it? This is such a nightmare! I just want to wake up from this and have it all behind me.
11/22/13 - Today was my first Dr appointment after I started the meds. It was just a blood draw and baseline ultrasound to make sure I was ready to go. We also had to turn in our consent form. Jake also had his little guys tested again. Everything looked great and my levels were right where they needed to be. Jake's guys was better than last time as well! Hopefully that's a good sign! :)
11/27/13 - I had another Dr appointment today. Again it was to check the levels of meds in my system. The Dr's office always says that if they don't contact you, then no news is good news. They didn't contact me so everything must be going good! :) The shots are getting old already. I started taking three a day on the 25th, so I have had nine shots in three days, not counting the blood draw poke today! Ahhh, this part I don't like so much!
11/30/13 - Another blood draw! Everything is looking good though. I can't wait to be finished with the meds. It's getting close!
December 2013
12/2/13- Today I had my first ultrasound since starting the meds! It was great. They said I have lots of follicles. Follicles are the little bubbles of fluid your eggs are in. The more there are the better because that means usually there are more eggs. She measured them and they are getting bigger by the second. Literally! Another blood draw also. Med levels seem to be great and the ultrasound was as good as I had hoped. Everything seems to be going great so far!12/3/13 - Another Dr. Appointment today. Ultrasound and blood draw! My follicles are almost ready! They were going to let the Dr. look at them before giving me instruction on what to do but I might have to do the trigger shot tonight or tomorrow! That's two days before planned! If I do take the trigger shot tonight I only have one more shot. Wahoo! If I have to take meds tomorrow then I only have four more shots! I can't believe I made it. I feel like my ovaries are going to pop any day, but I did it. Once again! I was able to talk myself through the nasty shots. Now I just hope it's worth it! I'm getting excited, however I do still have a surgery to get through before I'm completely rid of pokes for a couple days, but it will all be worth it! I just know it will!
Tonight the Dr. called me and said that I'm ready to go. She instructed me to take my HCG trigger shot tonight at 7:00 p.m. no later no earlier. It was 6:30 p.m. when she called so I'm so glad I was home! She told be that the morning after I take the trigger shot I need to take an HCG test to make sure it shows positive, then call in with the results. If everything goes good then we will do the transfer on Thursday December 5, 2013.
We did the HCG trigger shot. It was my last shot! Hallelujah!!! I can't believe I made it through once again. Now to just wait for the morning to do the test...
12/4/2013 - This morning I took the test and it was positive! A positive pregnancy test and I'm not even pregnant yet. LOL. I thought it was funny anyway. I called the Dr. and let them know my results.
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| HCG Urine Test. Positive!! :) |
Now all I have to do is wait until the anesthesiologist calls to schedule my appointment for my egg retrieval tomorrow.
The anesthesiologist called and I have to be to the Dr. at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow! That means we have to leave our house at 5:45 a.m. That's going to be hard! No eating after midnight. No makeup, perfumes, contacts, etc. Now to get some rest for tomorrow.
12/5/2013 - We arrived at the Dr. at 6:30 a.m. They got to the office about 6:45 a.m. When we went in the anesthesiologist called me back. As I laid down I started to tell her about my past experience. I told her that I really did not want to be poked six times like last time. She put a heat pad on my veins to see if she could get them to poke out. I was really nervous because the last time was so bad. She decided to go for the veins in my hands. She first numbed it. It hurt a little but not to bad. Then she stuck the IV in. I honestly didn't really even feel it. She then started hooking up the tubes. She said, well we got it. She was able to do it the first time! I was so happy! My Dr. then came in and told me to have a nice little nap and they will take good care of me. Then the next thing I new I was waking up and the anesthesiologist was taking off everything. It went so smoothly. I was then put in a recovery room to hang out for a bit. Jake came in to wait with me. A nurse came in to give me instruction for some meds I have to start taking now that the retrieval was completed. A little later our Dr. came in and told me that they were able to get 24 eggs. That's really good! Our Dr. said that she would like to tell us that was great, however because of what happened last time she said that we will just take it step by step. She said that things were looking good though because last time they believe they think they may have over stimulated me, so this time they did not stimulate me so much and I still created as many as I did last time. They are supposed to call me tomorrow to let me know many eggs fertilized and how many embryos we get. I'm nervous but excited to know. They will then call me Sunday to give me another report and I will go in Tuesday afternoon to have the transfer. Then it's the 10 day dreaded wait. I am feeling good today, a little sore, but that's to be expected. I will keep you posted on any new news. :)
12/6/2013 - I received a call from the embryologist today and she said that 7 of the 24 eggs they retrieved were not mature meaning that we had 17 to work with. 12 of the 17 fertilized. So as of today we have 12 embryos. That is a pretty good number! They said they would wait until day 3 to look at them again and call me with update, but they anticipate 90% making it to a 3 day transfer. If I have enough that make it to a 3 day transfer they want to wait for a 5 day transfer. Even though that means I might end up with less embryos on day 5, the embryos that do make it to a day 5 are usually the healthier embryos that would make it full term, so it kind of weeds out guessing which ones are good and which ones are not, so they are hoping that we get at least 6 five day blastocysts. Crossing our fingers!!
12/8/2013 - Today our Dr. called to give us our three day update. All 12 of the embryos have split, which is good news, however the embryos should have 6 - 8 cells by day three. Only 3 embryos were at a 7, and a few were at a 6, the rest were all less, so a good chunk of our embryos are behind. This does not mean that they won't continue to grow, but they would like to see them progress more than they have. I was kind of bummed with the news. I thought it was all going pretty good, but now I'm second guessing it all. I just have to try to stay positive and know that we still have embryos that are where they are supposed to be. We may not get as many as hoped, but it only takes one to get a healthy baby so that's what I'm trying to focus on now! Transfer day will be on 12/10/13 and we will know exactly what we have when we go in for the transfer. Our plan is to transfer two because of my history. This of course may change depending on what we find out when we get there. I'm so ready to get the transfer done so the clock can start ticking. I'm a little tired of the unknown! Hopefully soon we can announce a pregnancy! 10 days from the 10th we should know.
12/10/2013 - Today we woke expecting a transfer. I went to work for a half day, because the transfer was scheduled for 1:30 p.m. We have to be there at 1:00 p.m. Jake came to pick me up at 12:30 p.m. When we arrived at the Dr. they were having a meeting. Finally someone came out to greet us. I let them know we were here for our transfer and asked if I needed to take a Valume (they give you valume a half hour before to relax your muscles for the transfer). The front desk clerk told me that they would be out shortly to bring that to me. After a while our Dr. came out and called our name. They never did bring me a valume so I was a little worried. She took us back to her office. I was wondering why the heck we were going to her office and not the transfer room. We sat down and she began to tell us that all our embryos died. We didn't have any embryos to transfer. We just kind of looked at her. I didn't really even know what to say. Our embryos were so perfect the last time, how could all of them die? I started to cry, then I looked at Jake. He also started to cry. This whole procedure just thrown down the drain in a matter of seconds. Our Dr. told us that she didn't really have an explanation and wanted to talk to the other Dr.'s to see if they seen anything she didn't. She then wanted us to come back to talk to her. We scheduled an appointment for Friday December 13.
12/12/2013 - The last couple days have been hard. Not as hard as it was in the beginning. It's bad to say, but I guess maybe we are getting used to the constant disappointment. The hardest part for me is accepting I just might not be able to have our own children. We have discussed the other options. Adoption, embryo adoption, donor egg, etc. I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to believe this is all true. I just want to wake up and forget it all. The day our Dr. told us the news, I was a trooper. I was strong and taking it really well. The next morning I was a mess. I don't know if it was because I thought I would wake up and everything would fine and it wasn't or what, but I was a mess. I think that's when it all settled in. I hate every single bit of all of this! I hate the not knowing. I don't want to accept that I won't ever get to have my own children. It's not fair and I don't know why we have to keep going through this! We have struggled long enough. We shouldn't have to talk about if we are okay with an egg donor. We should just be able to have our own children and not have to worry about if we did have an egg donor if our child would resent me as a mom because I am not her real mom. We shouldn't have to worry about if we adopt a child when is the right time to tell them they are adopted. It's just something we shouldn't have to deal with, and I don't know why we were picked to go through this. I am not strong enough to handle this anymore!
12/13/2013 - We were supposed to be at the Dr. at 11:00 a.m. this morning, but they called and had to change our appointment to 1:00 p.m. At 1:00 we went to the Dr. A nurse came out to get us and took us to our Dr's office. We sat down expecting her to tell us that my eggs were bad and we needed to look at other options. Instead she said that she had talked to the other Dr's and one of the Dr's said that this round was a complete fluke. She said there is no way that I could have had that beautiful of embryos the first time and this time have no embryos make it. She said the other Dr and her feel like there was an issue with the eggs and that they didn't make it to the quality they wanted. Basically she told us she didn't have any idea what was going on. She talked about our options and strongly encouraged us to do one more round to see what the embryos do. She said that they need a tie breaker to determine what to do next. She said she don't feel comfortable telling us to think about other options because she still feels that we have a shot at getting a baby, our own baby! She feels that by doing one more round that will give them a good idea of what is going on and she will be able to get an answer for us. We can then decide if my eggs are the issue or if it's something else. As you can imagine we were confused. We go in expecting to talk about other options and get told not to give up. It was exciting to hear the news, but the more I think about it the more I wonder if I want to do this all again.
12/17/2013 - The last couple days I have thought a lot! It seems like all I do is think about this. We have talked about it a lot too. Jake would like to try one more time. I would too, but I don't want to go through this all over again. I'm not very positive about it anymore and I'm struggling to keep my head high. I kind of feel like I already convinced myself that it was over, so maybe we should just go with it and try other options. I don't want to get my hopes up again just to be pushed to the ground. I don't want to have to go through all the shots again. There is just so much that I don't want to do, but yet I don't want to accept the fact that I won't ever have my own child either. What do you? I called LDS family services about adoption today. I wanted to get information from them. It sounds like a long stressful process. She told me she could send me some information on other adoption agencies but they cost so much more. More than what we have now. We have already spent so much money! There is no way we can get the money that the adoption agencies need. We have discussed other options and I just don't know what is right for us. How do you decide something like this? The lady I spoke to at LDS family services told me to just tell everyone we know that we are looking to adopt. She said more times than none it works. Somebody knows somebody! Is this our answer? Do we adopt and stop trying on our own? Do we try to find an egg donor? I have no idea! What if some child needs us as their mom and dad and we just have to find them? How do you make such a life impacting decision like this when you have no answers and you are so lost with what you have been through? How do you tell everyone you don't know if you want to do all this again when everyone is counting on you so much to try just one more time? How many one more times should we give it? This is such a nightmare! I just want to wake up from this and have it all behind me.
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